On Compliments
..."Please sit down," he mumbled, motioning to a small, thin cushion sitting on the floor.
"Thank you, Father," I replied as I started sitting, "And I humbly thank you for allowing a sinner like me to speak with someone as advanced in the faith as you. Some even call you a saint!"
Though I could not see his face and he did not say so, I could tell by the monk's body language that these words had displeased him.
"I'm sorry Father, have I said something wrong? Please forgive me!" I said quickly, wishing I had just kept my mouth shut from the beginning.
The monk lifted up his hood, revealing most of his face, and smiled: "You said nothing 'wrong,' my friend, it is just that you would have spoken better had you spoken less!"...
..."Why Father, did my introductory words displease you?"
The monk looked at me for a few moments, half smiling, and then got up and walked over to his icons. He bent down and kissed one of the icons, and I heard him saying something. It was hard to tell exactly whose icon he had kissed since the shack was so dark inside, but I eventually guessed that it was an icon of the Theotokos. The monk crossed himself and bowed three times, and returned to where he had been sitting.
"Please do not think I was angry with you," the monk began, "I was only afraid because of what you said. You must learn to be careful with your compliments, especially around monks! Think, my friend: what profit is there in complimenting the truly humble man? For that matter, what profit is there many times in giving compliments at all? Let us assume that the compliment being given is given sincerely and out of no wrong motive. How will the humble man respond, and what will the compliment benefit him? It most likely will not benefit him, but will only make him withdraw! If you compliment a humble man, he will fear that your words will give a foothold for pride. He will fear that he might actually start dwelling on your flattering words! No, the humble man does not even want to hear compliments, it is enough for him, if any words at all are necessary, to hear that he has adequately done what it was his duty to do, for he knows himself to be an 'unprofitable servant' (Lk. 17:10).
"Do you see why I looked to have displeasure when you complimented me? You said that some even call me a saint!? Well enough of that kind of talk! Do not speak of it again! We are all saints in the making, but God protect me from ever considering myself a 'saint,' as though I have arrived at my destination!" After these words, the monk sat motionless, seemingly deep in prayer. I wasn't sure what to say, so I just sat thinking about what he had said. A few minutes passed, and he opened his eyes and looked up at me, he seemed on the brink of crying: whether tears of joy or tears of sorrow I know not.
He began speaking again, "But let us consider the other side of this. What of the man who is not humble, or the man who has only false humility? I tell you the truth, for such a man a compliment is especially dangerous: possibly fatal! At least the humble man will be guarding his soul, watching for Satan as he tries to gain a foothold. But the unhumble--the prideful--man, what end will he come to because of the compliment?" Then, as though speaking to himself, the monk mumbled very softly, "Even the prayers of the Theotokos with all the saints cannot help him if he will not allow their help."
After a few moments of what appeared to be silent prayer, the monk started speaking directly to me again. "For such a prideful man, the compliment comes to his ears, and not only is he not wary of the compliment, but he openly embraces it, hoping that there are more sweet words to follow. He dwells on the compliment in his mind, he thinks about how true it seems to him, and how agreeable the words are. With such a man, even the truthful and well-intended compliment can truly destroy a soul." The monk said this last statement, and then sighed heavily, as though he had just found out very disheartening news that personally effected him.
The monk looked up at me, "And so you see, regardless of the person, whether humble or not, whether monk or secular, we must be very careful with our complimentary words. We must measure our words, and decide what benefit or loss will come from them, whether someone will gain or lose spiritually from our intended word of kindness. It is surely no kind deed should our compliment leave a person spiritual destroyed!"
I took all this in as best I could, and I prayed that God would help me later to remember all that was said by the monk. After a few moments of silence, a question arose in my mind, which I felt necessary to ask the monk: "Does this then mean that we should only rarely give compliments or words of encouragment?" The monk had started looking down at his chest before, after he had finished speaking, and he continued looking down after I asked this question. There appeared to be a serious expression--and perhaps a slight smile--on his face; yet if it was to be called a smile, it was a sad and serious one; I knew not the reason for the peculiar expression.
After a few moments he looked up at me and said: "Let us keep the wise words of Gregory the Theologian in mind: 'Some are benefited by praise, others by blame, both being applied in season; while if out of season, or unreasonable, they are injurious'. The object, then, is to choose your words carefully, and to keep the person's spiritual well-being in mind. We here in America have the habit of telling people what we think of them: we yell and curse if we dislike them, and we praise and applaud if we like them. This ought not be! The Orthodox Christian should most often choose not to exercize his "freedom of speech". The Epistle of James has much to say on this subject, including the words: 'let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak' (James 1:19). We must be more careful with our tongues, remembering that our Lord said: 'every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment' (Matt. 12:36). And if we will have to account for even our idle words, how much more careful should we be about words that could lead our hearers astray?
"By all means, give compliments when they are beneficial, but do so having consciously considered how they will effect the person, and not just showering praise on someone without thinking about it."...
(This was an excerpt from the fictional narrative Conversations with an American Hermit)
