logos,
Actually, it is all confusing. Everyone is claiming to be the 'real' Orthodox. Frankly, I don't care anymore, and that is putting it nicely. Why should I go to church when it may be the wrong church and I end going to hell anyway? I am on the verge of resigning as an Orthodox christian, and as a Christian for good. It seems I damned no matter where I go. Salvation is a cruel rat race that only a very few can win, that is what our loving God has deigned for us. That is why I say on the road to hell for sure.
I say this as someone who really wants the best for your soul - stop feeling sorry for yourself. This will only cause incredible despair, and the kind of unproductive attitude you've already manifested in your post. It will be your ruin. Pray, and open your eyes - the truth is not something incredibly esoteric. What is going to be difficult, (and this too many people confuse with agnosticism, willingly or subconciously deceiving themselves) is making the necessary changes in your life to accomodate it. But it is there, if you are willing to pray and be radically honest with yourself, and your God.
I'll be happy to assist you with this in any way I can, as I'm sure others here will be as well. If you are so inclined, I'd suggest you shoot an e-mail off to Vladyka Gregory at Dormition Skete - I know he, or Fr.George, will be able to assist you.
bishopgregory@russianorthodoxautonomouschurchinamerica.com
Seraphim