How Do we Come to Accept Ourselves?

[JamesR]

I really don't know how to word it, but, how as Orthodox Christians are we supposed to come to accept ourselves as people when we really contemplate and realize all of our faults, sins and problems? I mean, the more and more I contemplate on my own fallenness, the more and more I become somewhat grieved, despaired and sad. And I don't know what to do, or what God thinks of me, or if my Angel left me and the demons now watch over me. I mean, it's a pretty saddening, humbling process and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I mean, I'm far from being the greatest, most Saintly person, but on the other hand, I don't consider myself the very worst sinner to ever live. I feel like I'm jus stuck in the middle not really making any progress at all in either direction. Addictive personalities are all too common in my family--my dad did drugs, grandfather is an ex-alcoholic who is now a chain smoker and addicted to Vicodin, several aunts I have did heroin or meth, several of my cousins weigh like 400 pounds because they are compulsive eaters addicted to eating, my grandmother is an alcoholic--and of course, I'm no different. I'm a sex-crazed adolescent addicted to masturbation who can't be in the same room as a female my age without being full of lust. I'm always looking for a reason to blame others for my problems; sometimes I blame my pervertedness on my dad because I say that I inherited an addictive personality from him. I'm also emotionally detached, something I also blame on my parents, I'm racist toward White people occassionally, something I blame on my grandparents for teaching me, I'm spiritually lazy--I break fasting all of the time, I don't read Scripture enough, etc.--however, I still don't consider myself too bad. I mean, I converted against my entire family's wishes and haven't left my Orthodoxy behind, even despite all the hostility, completing Christ's commandment to acknowledge Him before my family. That's gotta be worth something right? I guess I'm just far from perfect. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to accept it.

[Lydia]

James, no-one on an internet forum is capable of advising you spiritually. You must find a spiritual father, perhaps the priest who baptized you for the time being. He will share your burdens and guide you in your struggle. There are several priests on this forum; perhaps it would be best if you sent a PM to one of them.

God bless you, James. You will be in my prayers.

[Barbara]

What is scary sounding Vicodin ?

James you are opening up. You should feel OK about doing so because probably other readers may have something like that too
and be afraid to say. In fact, they might feel unworthy to convert to True Orthodox Churches because of such difficult problems.

While ideally a priest would counsel you, I don't think it's bad to solicit opinions from - especially the experienced - members here.
They have good insights.

Feel free to express yourself. We realize that our TOC priests are overburdened because of parish, property, finances, care for their families,
holding down a full time job sometimes...
So they may not be too free to spend a lot of time with you.

Don't be offended ; it's just the way things are now.

A World Orthodox priest would NOT be a good idea to consult. They might brush you off and hurt your feelings.

So we can talk about your concerns here. Every one of us needs to get opinions of others on some topic or other !
Nothing to be ashamed of.

Why though did you say you fear that your Guardian Angel left you ?
And scarily, that demons are guiding you ? I think i know someone exactly like that who is a huge liar.
I wonder if that could be what her problem really IS. Food for contemplation.
Does that indeed happen, do any more wise people than I have ideas about this ?

[JamesR]

What is scary sounding Vicodin ?
Why though did you say you fear that your Guardian Angel left you ?

Because I read Sayings of the Desert Fathers and Fr. Seraphim Rose and see all of these instances of demons messing with sinners and their angels being gone or weeping bitterly behind them and I worry that I could be that person.

And scarily, that demons are guiding you ?

Because I always ignore God's teachings through the Church. Sentence edited out by moderator.
I'm kind of on the fence where I know what I am doing is wrong, but I don't want to quit because it feels good, and I often try to shift the blame to someone else because I have trouble accepting my own guilt. I always blame my dad for inheriting his addictive personality, or God for making me with hormones, etc.

[Barbara]

Aha yes this is so common in today's American society. It's not just you, James.
So many people follow the exact model you described.

You notice how emotionally or mentally disturbed women start whining that they were "abused" as children -
I think it's total delusion of their disordered minds !
It's almost ridiculous, yet these claims are widely taken seriously.

I have been reading a few cases of pathologically lying women who, when confronted with their lies, kept justifying their bad behavior and ultimately fell back on THIS repulsive excuse. They dragged their fathers into COURT, creating horrible pain for the poor innocent father or relative.

That is an extreme. But it happens everywhere and is ENCOURAGED by the atheist - and apparently increasing homosexual - dominated psychiatric profession.
Just look at your childhood, these troubled and often aberrant 'therapists' tell you so soothingly. Blame everything on PARENTS ! That will take the weight of your problems OFF your shoulders
and dump onto other people who may or may NOT have contributed that much to the current problem.

It's very scary that homosexuals are starting to invade the "therapy" profession. This is not a FACT ; this is by anecdotal evidence at
UCSF, Univ of California at San Francisco Psychology department.
Even if one allows for the larger percentage of homosexuals in a city known for that sin, it's still almost unbelievable. homosexual Asian men and overt women homosexuals comprise a lot of the staff !
An Orthodox person who went there last month was confounded when confronted by the above described individuals at every turn but felt too
intimidated to ask to be dealt with by a non-homosexual staff member ! That's how bad the atmosphere has become and perhaps mirrors
the gigantic flaw in the entire concept of psychological work as a panacea for what only God can help with, through of course, the Queen of Heaven,
Saints, etc.

These personnel steer one's soul into a dark pit, and laugh all the way at their victim's stupidity.
In short, devils working through these humans.

Just be smart and catch yourself every time you hear yourself say or think something like "Why God do THAT ?" or "It's my genes".
Perhaps genes have zero to do with anything of importance ! Spiritually speaking, I believe that to be true ; yet the mass media force one
to accept the theory that everything is inherited from parents, so one is crimped into whatever genetics the parents carried.
It's pathetic ! There are so many examples to debunk that.

Don't let prevailing ideas of this era impact you or influence you in any way.
Be individual and keep separate from current "thought".

I hear healthy remarks from you which show you are able to resist. These are GOOD signs about your potential to overcome all these
trials.
I think you CAN do that.

We'll help !

P.S. Yes, now I know what you mean about the weeping angels.
I don't think that has happened to you, yet.