Dear Fr Siluan,
Bless me dear ROAC(V) Father Siluan!
Ever since gregory anathamatized me, "cutting me off from The
Church," in his Protocol #183005, I have been meeting with a special friend.
It was this friend who counseled me to make amends and reconcile
myself with my former mentor, Fr. Panteleimon of HTM/HOCNA. Why did he counsel me so?
Because he understood that I had a tremendous respect for Fr.
Panteleimon as a father-figure, and felt agonizingly guilty for
sending the mailings with Fr. Panteleimon's picture on it. This was
the greatest sin of all.
I was haunted by the knowledge that I had done something really
wrong to a man of venerable old age. I felt horrible and continually
reproached myself. The guilt became so overwhelming, that I began to
feel that I must in some way punish myself or be punished. That's
what it came down to. (Father Siluan, I am not in any way, suicidal.)
Very early, this Monday morning, after a sleepless night, I went
for a walk in the woods near my apartment here in Leadville CO. I
felt that even though I posted the day before, "An Appeal To Fr.
Panteleimon," that it just wasn't enough to expiate or rather pay
for my sins against Fr. Panteleimon.
"What shall I do?" I asked myself. "Shall I buy a plane ticket for
Boston and just show up at HTM? But what if they refuse me? No -
that won't work," I said to myself.
I called my friend and he suggested, "would you consider making a
statement of your actions against your former mentor on the Internet
Discussion Group you belong to?" I answered," "It would be horribly
embarrassing - yet, I sense that it would give me a tremendous sense
of relief."
And so, I posted, "Father Panteleimon, Forgive Me!" - with a point
by point detailed listing of the specific sins that I had commited
against him.
Indeed, Father Siluan, I do feel a tremendous sense of relief, and my
conscience is beginning to feel relieved. But I feel that it is
not enough. I need now to talk this out with someone indirectly
involved with HTM/HOCNA, but directly involved close enough to have
full access to them. This too, is the advice of my friend.
He explains his advice this way, "Whenever a person commits an
action against someone close to him that he eventually feels guilty
of, and later feels regret about, after the formal apologies take
place, usually through a 3rd party, (Paradosis), the next step is to
move closer towards the party that one feels was offended.
And that is where I find myself now Father Siluan- in a kind of 'limbo.'
I just wish
that I could begin
talking again
with those whom I
\offended.
Nathaniel
