logos,
I am not being flippant. But at the risk of offending you, I feel it important to say that you seem to be looking for excuses, and I say that as someone who cares.
This is your life and not anyone elses. You have to be strong on your own to make it through "the narrow gate", nobody can carry you. And the gate is not narrow because it is only for certain people, it is narrow because very few people choose the life in Christ, that is, to give up caring for worldy success to have success in the next life.
The world shows everything to you backwards. It is said by the Saints that after we die, we will aquire 100 more senses that we never had before, and we will then really see, and excuses will be a blight on you because your own conscienceness will be your judge.
If you think you have to be perfect, you will never be saved. You will never be perfect until you enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The only way you will ever see Him is to live the life of struggle.
Whatever your life is like, it is only "Hell" if you are not living a life in Christ. And if you are really living a life in Christ, then you are already tasting paradise. Beleive it.
Pick yourself up. Start working for your salvation. Starting with something small. Talk to a true Orthodox priest and start on that difficult road.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt. 11:29-30
I also want to ask, did you read the article I linked to you, the River of Fire?