large families

Tessa · Post by **Tessa** » Thu 21 October 2004 4:56 pm

I don't consider our family large, two kids-one on the way (please pray for usregading that one) but maybe it's because we already have a "boy AND a girl", maybe it's because they are spaced close together in age, I find myself on the receiving end of rude remarks more and more frequently.

They range anywhere from "you're got YOUR hands full (snicker)" to "you know, they make a pill for that". Even people in my own "family" have asked things like "you're gonna get fixed after this one right?" It's a very strange feeling. You don't know whether to get offended or laugh. The funny part is, I am never comlplaining or having a hard time trying to "control" my kids when people say these kinds of things. It's totally un-solicited.

Do any of you encouter these sentiments from people outside the Orthodox world?

p.s. When I went to vote yesterday, I mentioned the poll worker how great it was to be able to vote early, as my due date is so close to election day-I might not have made it otherwise. He gave my kids each a sticker and after saying how I've got my hands full signed the cross over me-Catholic style- and said "God bless you".

In Christ
Tessa

Hexapsalms · Post by **Hexapsalms** » Thu 21 October 2004 5:27 pm

Large families are fine (yours is only small to middle size). It wouldn't bother me if someone's family was large--I would only hope that the family got along well, every child got equally loved, and the kids turned out to be fine Christians.

However, there is another side to large families. My brother-in-law, a Catholic, came from a large family (9 kids) but it was precisely this that made his parents left Catholicism and Christianity altogether. His father was quite resentful of all the kids.

My brother-in-law said he and all his siblings found it to be mostly a bad experience, as they were left to fend for themselves too much and the father was very resentful of them. Their mother was very overworked and unable to give much to them and the father's view of his contribution to family life was ONLY to bring home the bacon. Often he will not show up for family holidays, etc--he simply can't take the crowd. My sister complains that her husband seems mostly withdrawn emotionally and has a lot of problems with depression. All of his siblings have had problems with depression etc.

There was an essay written in Atlantic Monthly a few years ago by a man who came from a Catholic family of 14 kids. The kids were much ridiculed, life was chaotic, their mother was worn out and died early, and when they grew up, few of them got married or had kids of their own.

I think very large families do much better if there is an extended family support system, like uncles and aunts, grandparents that live close by. But unfortunately our society is very fragmented and families live too far away from each other to be of any help.

Natasha · Post by **Natasha** » Thu 21 October 2004 5:51 pm

In no way would I ever think that 3 children was a large family! I was an only child (my mom could not have any children after me because of medical reasons) and I always kind of envy those large Greek families I see at church. It is just American culture to think that one child is more than enough.

I can't lie either though, I have made rude comments like that (to myself) when I see a mom with a bunch of kids misbehaving somewhere...I can't stand parents who do not discipline their children.

Tessa · Post by **Tessa** » Fri 22 October 2004 9:26 am

Well I don't think 3 is large either, but 3 kids in 5 years of marriage when your not yet 22-you get some looks. I remember when my husband and I first got married, since we courted for only a few weeks there were ALOT of things we didn't even talk about. I was asking him what he thought of me "going on the pill" for a few years until we got settled and to know each other. He looked at me like I had LOST my mind. Why did we get married if we want to wait to bear the fruits of marriage (kids)? I didn't even think of it like that, I just was thinking within the boundries of the secular American world around me-the need to obtain lots of "stuff" and do alot of things in a married life before children. Thank God, we weren't afraid to struggle and started right away and He has provided for us immensely.

On another note, big families can be bad if the families have parents that are resentful. (So can small ones for that matter.) My great grandma married at 14 and had 11 kids, plus took care of boarders who lived in an apartment above the house, even through the Depression. None of the kids turned away from the family or religion, and all married and are industrious, successful people. I am sure that they too struggled, and the my great grandpa worked ALL the time, but somehow they turned out fine. I agree with you Hexapsalms, that a strong extended family unit is priceless in such situations.

I can't lie either though, I have made rude comments like that (to myself) when I see a mom with a bunch of kids misbehaving somewhere...I can't stand parents who do not discipline their children.

Just wait till you've been there.
My little boy was in the bottom of the shopping cart the other day and opened a whole container of blueberries which fell through the cart and spilled ALL over the floor. Nobody around to help. I have my girl grab a plastic bag and we scurry to pick them up before someone falls. Old ladies are walking around us going "tsk tsk tsk" and mumbling under there breath. I was tired, frustrated, and wanted to cry. But you deal with it, and then laugh when you get home.

In Christ,
Tessa

ania · Post by **ania** » Fri 22 October 2004 9:58 am

Honestly I have no idea how my parents tolerated the 4 of us. Despite the "issues" we had as kids (if anyone's watched Malcolm in the Middle, we were only a slightly toned down version of that), we turned out to be semi-normal semi-productive adults (except for my brother, he's a semi-normal, semi-productive 10th grader). And though when I was much younger I sometimes thought that if there weren't 4 kids in the family we would have more stuff, etc, now I wouldn't trade my siblings for the world, in fact, I wish my folks had had more.

Justin · Post by **Justin** » Fri 22 October 2004 8:43 pm

I can't speak from personal experience on a large family, I have two sisters and two brothers, all of which are younger than me. Without divulging the details, we had a very checkered upbrining due to dysfunctional family issues. At the time, I had no idea what was going on, and didn't believe in God, for that matter. Now that I have an Orthodox perspective on what it means to be a husband and a father, I think I could have done better as a big brother had I known the same. With that in mind, I think I could handle being a father to at least four kids, and God willing, six or so :mrgreen: But we'll see what happens. I'm also in the military, which is hard on families, but we have a good support network among friends, and my wife and I have a good support network at our church back home. I'd say a big family constitutes more than six kids. Exponentially, that's probably about twelve or fifteen grandkids! Wow.

basil · Post by **basil** » Wed 27 October 2004 7:09 am

We just found out a couple weeks ago that my wife is pregnant with our third child (we also already have a boy and girl) You are not alone in receiving rude, or at least strange comments.

When we told everyone we got no congratulations. My wife's mom said very little about it, but she did tell us that one of her friends said we need to get a TV or something. My mom was openly unhappy and said that two children are enough. To be fair her response was partially due to the fact that she knows money is tight for us, but still -- what ever happened to people being excited about children? When we told our priest his response was, "Is that a good thing?" I didn't say much to that, but my thought was, "If children are good then it is."

Basil