Correcting others in love.....

[David]

Hi, Everyone-

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  I have been racking my brain trying to remember a patristic quote on correcting others that says when you begin to talk to someone, start with self-accusation and admit your own faults in order to soften their hearts. Does anyone know of a quote expressing a thought like this? I think I read it in a work of Blessed Augustine or St. John Chrysostom......
  I would also welcome any useful quotes on this subject: when to say something, when not to, how to say it, etc.

    God bless!
    David

[Justin Kissel]

David,

I unfortunately do not know which verse you are speaking of (I hope someone else does). FWIW, though, I first found the following verse before I was even a catechumen, and it somehow has stuck in my mind ever since (even if I have trouble putting it into action!)

The mouth is the door. Shut it, and fasten it, that it may both give light, and repel the attack from without. For instance, has any one insulted and reviled you? Do you shut the mouth; for if you open it, you add force to the wind. Do you not see in houses, when two doors stand directly opposite, and there is a strong wind, if you shut one, and there is no opposite draught, the wind has no power, but the greater part of its force is abated? So also now, there are two doors, thy mouth, and his who insults and affronts thee; if thou shuttest thy mouth, and dost not allow a draught on the other side, thou hast quenched the whole blast but if thou openest it, it will not be restrained. Let us not therefore quench it. - St. John Chrysostom, Homily 11 on First Thessalonians

[David]

Thank you, Justin for that quote you offered. I read it this morning, and sure enough, before the day was out I had several opportunities to apply it

God bless,
David

[David]

Last night I was going through several books looking for something on this subject. I found something similar to the quote I was looking for in St. Mark the Ascetic:
"Rebukes may be given in malice and self-defence, or out of fear of God and respect for truth.
Cease rebuking a man who has stopped sinning and who has repented. If you say that you are rebuking him in God's name, first reveal the evils in yourself." (On the Spiritual Law 38-39)

[David]

Well, like so many things I lose, I only find something when I stop looking so hard and ask for help For anyone interested, here is the quote:
"And therefore we must piously and cautiously watch, so that when necessity shall compel us to find fault with or rebuke any one, we may reflect first whether the fault is such as we have never had, or one from which we have now become free; and if we have never had it, let us reflect that we are men, and might have had it; but if we have had it, and are now free from it, let the common infirmity touch the memory, that not hatred but pity may go before that fault-finding or administering of rebuke: so that whether it shall serve for the conversion of him on whose account we do it, or for his perversion (for the issue is uncertain), we at least from the singleness of our eye may be free from care. If, however, on reflection, we find ourselves involved in the same fault as he is whom we were preparing to censure, let us not censure nor rebuke; but yet let us mourn deeply over the case, and let us invite him not to obey us, but to join us in a common effort."
This is from Blessed Augustines Book on the Sermon on the Mount, Book Two chapter 19. There is a lot of other good advice in that same chapter worth praying over but this is the essence of it.

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God Bless!

David

[Justin Kissel]

David,

Thank you for the quotes! Very edifying

[Maria]

Dear Friends:

How would you lovingly confront a person in your family who is alcoholic when the rest of the family appears to be sympathetic to the alcoholic and protects him?

Love in Christ our God,
Maria