Stephen,
I am curious about your expressions. I hope my responses will give you more understanding about how we Orthodox think.
I am here to ask for any prayers for the upcoming fast.
I will keep you in my prayers. Also, remember that the Church prays for the catechumens.
As a catechumen, this is supposed to be a time of preparation for me for baptism.
Have you set the date for Pascha, to be baptized? I was baptized on Pascha in 1994.
And while I do not believe myself worthy or ready for this, everything seems to be, God willing, moving forward.
Everyone is worthy to be baptized in the truth of Orthodoxy. That's why we baptize babies who have not done anything to attain this. And that is why Jesus Christ died on the Cross for us...so that we can be inheritors of His Holy Kingdom. I think you may be confusing the feeling of worthiness with other ideas. As for not being ready, that's another matter. If you still have doubts about the truth, then you may not be ready. But, if you are 100% sure, then take the plunge...literally.
It is my hope that I will become a new person coming out of the water.
We certainly are renewed in Holy Baptism. But, please don't think that that this will transform your ways into making you a saint. You will still have your passions and falls. When I was baptized, I felt wonderful. But, I also knew that I must continue the battle of unseen warfare. It is a constant effort. But, Christ is with us and that is the hope we hold unto.
It is my hope that my sins will truly be washed away. Blotted out
Have no doubt. Everything you did will be erased.
That I will be capable of not only resisting evil but doing good, for the glory of God and His Son and the Holy Spirit.
This is where I worry about your perception. We cannot "resist" evil, in the way you think. That is a Protestant mentality..believe and you are already saved. Read Unseen Warfare. For that matter, read what the saints wrote. We are constantly battling with our pride. It affects everything we do and think and feel. I will tell you the meaning of doing good for the glory of God. Repentance. With that comes humility. This is what Jesus Christ teaches. This is what He wants us to be. Don't imagine doing great things as the saints did. They went through everything else before they attained that state. We can attain that state of theosis, but don't think that it will be automatic after baptism. Even St. Peter faltered.
I have lived a terrible life, a shameful life that I hope will be erased. My sins are great and they are many. I have destroyed my own soul. And I have stained, if not destroyed, the souls of others.
With baptism, the sins are washed away. You have not destroyed your soul unless you die in that former state. To destroy another soul is a big task. It means that that person will be condemned for eternity. Perhaps you are being too hard on yourself? It's one of the evil one's tactics, btw. He wants to make us despaired to the point of hopelessness. It can make a person insane. The problem with analyzing with our minds is that we have a really bad perception. Think about it. What is the source? Our created minds. So, then we believe that we are perceiving the situation with clarity because, we believe in Christ. Wrong. We are perceiving with our pride and not seeing God as the saints do. What can break through that? Repentance. Which leads to what? Humility. With that, clarity sets in and then God's message, in our hearts, can be understood.
Even when I became a professing Christian, I continued to live in the utmost sin. Please pray that the Lord may have mercy on me. I do not know if He listens to me, if anyone listens to me. I believe that I am so far from Him that to even look at an icon is insulting to Him
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I think you are being too hard on yourself. It is the sign of hopelessness, if you feel that you can't even look at His icon. Remember that He walked on this earth, in the flesh and many people looked in His eyes or even looked at Him from afar. He loves you very much and the proof is that you exist. He created your soul. You are living because of Him. So don't let these dark thoughts overcome you. That is the evil one's influence. And BTW, these are temptations you are feeling because you are preparing to get baptized. I had a few interesting ones myself. But, you know what got me through them? My complete confidence that what I was doing was for the truth. Orthodoxy is the truth and the evil one hates anyone that will try to accomplish baptism. I had some interesting situations happen to me when I was preparing.
Please pray that I may be broken, that my heart may become open or whatever is best for a person like me. God knows. That His will be done in my life and that I may be able to glorify Him with my life. That I may receive strength, if not reminders to struggle and pray when temptation strikes. When it does, I cower and cave into my weaknesses, discarding prayer for what is easier. That I may be guided by my guardian angel to pray. That I be reminded to pray. And given the strength to. That I may get through this fast faithfully, abstaining from food and from sin. Sin especially.
Even the saints knew they were sinful so how could you or I abstain from it? But, what you must remember is that the fall is not the end, but the beginning..of getting stronger. When a child starts to walk, he falls, but because of the falls, he comes to understand how to be stronger and stable in walking. We just need to do that on the spiritual level, although it is more profound.
It should be said that I'm not really sure what should be prayed for regarding me, save for mercy. So if nothing else, please pray for mercy for me. I look forward to entering into this fast with the rest of you. I hope that I may be permitted to enter the baptismal waters.
The Church of Christ is praying for you and all catechumens. And I will remember you in my prayers. The time of Great Lent is a special blessing. It's a time when we can re-coop our efforts and make more effort in our prayers. The holy fathers say that this time brings great spiritual fruits that will give us strength through the rest of the year.
To me, this is the Orthodox equivalent of New Year when everyone makes their New Year resolution. I make my spiritual resolutions. Well, to me, the Great Lent is my new year of the rest of the year. What I do during this period will be a blessing of spiritual strength for the rest of the year.
I hope I have written something that will help you through your struggles. I just wanted to express my concerns.
Joanna
