IN RELATED NEWS!!
Ecumenism Runs Amok
New York, New York, USA - At approximately 9:15 A.M. Eastern Standard Time (GMT-5 hours) this past Tuesday, ecumenism ran amok, swamping the world with heresy and nearly overwhelming the powers of truly true Orthodox believers to resist.
"It was like a huge wall of ecumenism, coming straight down 4th Avenue," gasped Father John Johnson of Takoma Park, Maryland's Church of All Saints of Middle-Class America (of the Rump OCA). "I tried to run but was crushed under the immense weight. When I got up, I had this inexplicable urge to concelebrate at an Episcopal church, shave my beard off, and wear a tab collar. My wife had to sit on me until the feeling passed."
Bystanders believe the wave was generated by the World Council of Heretics, a leading ecumenical group comprised of delegates from most of the world's heterodox Christian sects (Baptists, Presbyterians, Roman Catholics, you know the sort), and a handful of mostly compromised Orthodox hangers-on.
"We were just voting to publish a statement about the core of Christian doctrine that we can all agree upon in common, and we felt the power surge out from us," explained WCH delegate John Wesley Calvin Smithers-Crupp. "This caused several delegates, who don't believe in waves of surging power, to rescind their votes."
"I know I'm going to hate myself for asking this, but what does the statement say?" asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter, somewhat apprehensively.
"Jesus: not a bad bloke at all, providing he really existed," said Smithers-Crupp.
"Is outrage!" bellowed Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC) spokesperson Father Vasiliy Vasileivich. "And, by the weighing, am spokesman, not spokesperson."
"What do you find outrageous about this pronouncement?" asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
"Providing he really existed?! What kind of talk is that to be? That is not faith. That is hedging of the bets. And Jesus -- I should say our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ -- was not just not the bad bloke. He was God incarnate, Word, Wisdom, Son of God. Not not the bad bloke."
"What he said," said Father John.
"What? I thought you Rump OCA types were all ecumenical up to eyebrows?" asked Father Vasiliy.
"Only up to my ankles," explained Father John.
"This is being news to me! You mean you don't really give communion to heterodox?" asked Father Vasiliy.
"Not if I can help it," said Father John.
"You don't teach parishioners to eat meat on Wednesdays and Fridays?" asked Father Vasiliy.
"I should say not!" huffed Father John.
"You don't really concelebrate with Methodists and Presbyterians?" asked Father Vasiliy.
"No, I don't. Although I have been known to have lunch with one or two of them," admitted Father John.
"Hmm," said Father Vasiliy, almost to himself. "About ankle-deep, you are to being right." Then, louder, "Maybe you and I could be having of the lunch sometime?"
"With or without the Methodists and Presbyterians?" wondered Father John.
"Let's start without," suggested Father Vasiliy. "I am meeting with Bishop this Sunday and would like my ankles to being dry."
This report was produced in part with information provided by Reutorooters and Untied Press Interrational.
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