Need advice about Marriage

Nektarios · Post by **Nektarios** » Sat 22 January 2005 9:26 pm

I had a few questions, next January I plan on getting married, I wondering what steps should be taken when considering this?
My girlfriend, soon to be fiance is going to become Orthodox some
time between my 8 month depolyment and next january. Any advice?

Justin · Post by **Justin** » Sun 23 January 2005 3:10 pm

I don't want to be the dark cloud, brother, but are you sure you're getting married for the right reasons? I'm in the military, and I know that sometimes it seems right, but are you sure it's not just the rest of the package? Is she truly converting, or is it just for you? Trust me, I'm not trying to doubt the woman you love, or yourself for that matter, just make sure you both know exactly what you're doing, man. Getting married just before deploying is tricky. Now that I'm done with the warning, God bless you both and have a happy marriage =) So you're deploying in January, huh? I might just see you over there. I'll be deploying in either September or November, depending on where I get stationed. Take care, Devil Dog

Nektarios · Post by **Nektarios** » Sun 23 January 2005 6:16 pm

Id be married after my deployment, not before. Im leaving in April but im not going to Iraq this year thank God.

Justin · Post by **Justin** » Sun 23 January 2005 8:19 pm

Are you going to Afghanistan, then? I know a Marine SSG who's over there right now doing a lot of...interesting stuff.

Nektarios · Post by **Nektarios** » Wed 26 January 2005 12:08 am

Nope not going there either.

Justin Kissel · Post by **Justin Kissel** » Wed 26 January 2005 12:33 am

My own advice, for what it's worth. Talk to an Orthodox Priest about pre-marital counselling. Get Fr. John Mack's book (and if you can, video tape series) on marriage, and work through it with your fiancee. Try to be yourself, don't put up any masks; for example, don't fix your hair (or her her make up) before you meet for a date; don't try to be any nicer than you will 5 years from now, because if you're just doing it now because of "love" or something like that and not for deeper (ie. religious or culturally taught) reasons then you might as well stop now and see how she reacts right now. A lot of divorces happen because people put masks on before marriage; they always say "he's different than when I married him" or "things just aren't the same". Well of course they aren't the same, before marriage people were going about things at a level that they can't (psychologically speaking) possibly continue for years on end.

Once you start living with someone and sharing everything with them and suffering with them and all that fun stuff, the real you comes out. If you're a jerk but are being nice because she's cute or in love, then just be a jerk now and see if she'll put up with you. Otherwise you'll be a jerk 5 years from now and get a divorce. I'm not accusing you of being a jerk of coure, just saying be yourself, and try to teach her what you are REALLY like, and try to learn what she is REALLY like. Marriage is a grind, and marriage can be icky; avoiding those facts now will only cause you problems later.

Liudmilla · Post by **Liudmilla** » Wed 26 January 2005 8:36 am

Most of all know the difference between "loving" and being "in love". If you truly "love" then things will work out. If however your are "in love" then perhaps you should wait a bit more and certainly do the marriage councelling.

My mother used to say if a man (or woman) can love you in the morning as much as in the afternoon, then he (or she) truly loves. But if all they are interested in is the afternoon self.... then you should reconsider.

Justin, is right divorce is very prevalent today, but I think it's because young people don't go into marriage with the idea that this is it. That you work through your problems and so forth. Many approach marriage with the thought....Oh, well...if this doesn't work out then we'll just get a divorce.... all this is ...is a self-defeating thought and a marriage can never work if this is in the framework. As an Orthodox person this should NEVER be in your mind as you approach marriage. Yes, the Church allows for divorce, but only in extreme cases. But just because divorce is "allowed" doesn't mean that it is something we should take advantage of.

Milla