Finding a Spiritual Father/Mother for direction

[Handmaiden50]

How does one go about finding a Spiritual Father/Mother who is either a priest, monk or nun? I have spoken with the priest privately on a few occasions at the Orthodox church I visit but is he automatically my "Spiritual Father"? He seems quite busy and I know his first priority is to minister to those who are members of his church. I attend liturgy when I am able and do go to a weekly Scripture study that Father leads. I don't know if I just have to be more assertive in asking him to carve out time in his schedule to talk or if I need to inquire elsewhere about someone taking me under their wing for spiritual direction, like at a monastery?

Blessings all.

[Handmaiden50]

Any suggestions from anyone? Thanks

[joasia]

Hello Handmaiden,

Good question. Since you are already attending an Orthodox parish, the priest there would be the person to get to know. And he needs time to get to know you. So attending services regularly and going to Scripture study (bonus) is a great start. Like any relationship, it takes time to develop. I will kindly disagree with you about his first priority being to his members. Of course, they need him too, but you are the lost sheep of the 99 and I think that this is first priority.

When I started attending, the priests (2) were very welcoming and the younger one took time to explain a lot of things (he was my weekly Scripture study). The older one had other priorities. So, it was a blessing to have two priests there although if there was only the older one, he would've taken time for me. It really depends on the circumstances such as how long have you been attending this parish? How is this priest's attitude with you? Does he stop to take some time to talk or does he brush you aside? Is he cradle or convert Orthodox? The fact that you are asking gives me the impression that you don't feel completely comfortable with him.

About going somewhere else....would you still be attending this parish? If so, then I don't suggest you look somewhere else for guidance. We need to be guided by the priest that is at our parish because, God-willing you convert, he will know you and he's the one you need to go to confession to. Like I said, we have to build a relationship. So, if it's been awhile, then I wonder why he wouldn't give you time. If you have been going a short time, then I think he's waiting it out to see what you will do. Perhaps he's waiting for you to make the first move and ask him for a meeting...maybe he feels that you may not stick around. There are so many dynamics to the situation. Is there trapeza after service: coffee and something to eat? That's a good time to sit down and chat a little. Please correct me if I'm wrong about any of the above. And if you feel comfortable enough, perhaps you can provide more insight to your situation.

I hope this helps, at least a little bit.

[Handmaiden50]

You make good points, Joasia. Thank you!

[Barbara]

Did you want to tell us any more, Handmaiden, so that we can better advise ?

Joasia indeed gave a highly perceptive reply which probably will help you.
As she said, it's a very normal question to ask. Few people are clear about this matter.
It wouldn't hurt to write up some points like the ones Handmaiden inquired about and post them or
even have them to distribute at parishes. That way, newcomers will feel comfortable. And feel they are
not at all intruding, but are valued and worthy of having everything explained clearly for them.

[Handmaiden50]

Following up on a comment of Joasia's . . . I do feel comfortable with Father. I have been visiting this Orthodox church since Spring of this year, so it may just be I'm still trying to get to know him and him me, as you say. For my part, I want Father to get to know me better but I have this fear that if I were to bare my soul to him (as I need to if he is to be my spiritual father) as we develop this relationship that . . .well I have been through so much in my life (some of which I'd feel uncomfortable initially talking about) and feel like a real mess and there are areas of my life that I wish I could do over . . but I guess I need to face this fear and just get real with him.

Father is a convert and a young priest, very personable and empathetic, with a lot of energy. I don't know how he juggles his roles as a priest, husband and father to his children . . it amazes me. A lot of the time after liturgy I will see him pop into fellowship hour, but then a lot of times there are church-related meetings held after liturgy as well, so I guess that is where he must be if I don't see him. I guess maybe, as you say, Joasia, he is waiting for me to set up meetings with him or maybe he is seeing how consistent I am over time with attending liturgy, etc.

I'd appreciate your prayers . . . thank you!

[joasia]

Handmaiden,

It is true that our priests have a lot to deal with. He is a father for all...the parish, each parishioner and his own family. May I suggest that you don't need to bare it all at once but discuss some points that you need to address. Or questions about Orthodox theology. Over time he will get to know you better and that will be a progression of baring your soul. There's always that fear of exposing ourselves to someone and being vulnerable, but in any meaningful relationship, we always bare fruit. Be patience and go with the flow. I'm sure in 20 years you will be giving the same advice to a potential convert. Then we can look back on this conversation and smile. Actually, I've had this conversion with my BFF who I met 20 years ago. So you see, what goes around comes around. Wow, has it been that long? I kind of envy you. You are in the midst of such great discoveries of the Orthodox faith. Those times for me were such great inspirations and joys. And I still keep exploring the teachings of the holy fathers; they're boundless.

With love in Christ,
Joanna