Real Name: Classified
Age: 24
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Religious Affiliation: Orthodox Christianity
Hobbies: Reading, primarily (religion, both Orthodox and comparative religious studies, and philosophy; occassionally draw, but not as often as I should) ...and of course, these message forums.
"My Story" (at least in regard to religion): I was from a family that was not religious during my childhood. Both of my parents were baptized as Roman Catholics, however they did not take either me or my younger brother to church as children (nor were either of us baptized as infants.) I would not say that my parents were "anti-religion", nor did they harbour any bitterness (at least that I have ever known of) towards the RCC - they simply did not participate (nor were they married in the RCC).
However, for reasons known only to God, I took an interest in religion/spirituality in my late teens. In part it had to do with a gut feeling that something was missing in my life; part of it had to do with a growing hunger to understand "why" - whether it be for why I existed, or indeed why anything existed at all. Though I had gone through an angry period of supposed "atheism", this wore off fast as I began to ask these questions.
After flirting for a bit with evangelical Christianity, I took an interest in more "catholic" forms of Christianity, in particular Orthodox Christianity and Roman Catholicism. After a lot of reading, my first instinct was in fact to find an Orthodox Church. Unfortunatly, being in my late teens (with no means of self transportation), and with no Orthodox Church in the city (save a "Macedonian Orthodox" Church, which was not only schismatic, but also so "ethnic" that there would have been no way for me to have any kind of Christian life there), I began to put my energies more into Catholicism (which is far more accessable here.) Looking back, I realized I had "settled", perhaps at the time not realizing how profoundly different the two paths were. However I will also say that with time, I became (to varying degrees) convinced of RC claims.
Catholicism appealed to my intellectual curiosity; as I began to read more apologetical materials, and dabbled in Thomism, I discovered a great deal of "intellectual elegance" in RC thought. The mighty syllogism was a beautiful thing to my mind.
With time however, I began to see that what I had "joined up to", was not in fact what I had been converted to. Before ever approaching an RC priest about conversion, I had read lots of "pre-Vatican II" books - whether they be on theology, or the lives of RC saints, or traditional RC devotions (traditional prayers, rosary, etc.) What I found however in the local parish (which I would soon find was actually quite conservative compared to most of the RC churches in this country) was something quite different from this "old time religion." I was ignorant of the Vatican II revolution going in - where was any of the Latin I had heard about (I mean, there was supposed to be at least some still, right?), or the beautiful chants I had heard on CD's, or the black robes that the television and movies even today still associate with RC clergy?
With time, I realized that what I had joined up to was at best, high church protestantism. I saw a great deal done, in the name of Vatican II and updating, which flatly contradicted not only the letter, but the very ethos/spirit of what had brought me into the Roman Catholic church.
As I became disillusioned, I once again entertained thoughts of converting to Orthodox Christianity. However, I talked myself out of this. By this time, both my younger brother and our mutual friend (who is like a brother to us both) had become Roman Catholics as well. I think we were all on a similar search. They were aware of my anxieties, and to some degree were sympathetic (at least at the time.)
Eventually, I thought I found my salvation; several years ago, just as Easter Sunday approached, I saw a small ad. in a Toronto paper (Toronto is about a 1.25 hour drive from here, usually less in mild traffic). The ad was for the Easter Mass at a chapel ran by the Society of St.Pius X (SSPX). I had remembered vaguely hearing about this group, and the ad. said the Mass was the "traditional latin Mass." The Sunday previous to this I attended a Ukranian Catholic Church (hoping to find something better than the modernist Novus Ordo Mass), and was pleased with what I saw (though I now realize the serve was severely truncated). Unfortunatly, the Ukranian priest there knew very little english, and the only parishoners there were all old folks (nice people to be sure, but the chapel had nothing to offer really, spiritually speaking.) Thus, any kind of spiritual life there, apart from attending the Divine Liturgy itself, would have been unlikely.
But when I arrived at the SSPX chapel (accompanied by my brother, Steven, and for the first time, my father), I was awed. The chapel was tiny (imagine a very small country chapel, and that's about the size of the church they were using; they had bought it from some Protestants and converted it for traditional Catholic usage), but beautiful compared to the monstrosities I was used to - there were statues of taste and sobriety all about the place, a traditional Roman high altar (that was actually used!), no goofy/protestant "altar table" in the way, no tacky felt-fabric "religious art", etc. It was like I had went back in time, and found the church that I had wanted to convert to. When the Mass started, and the choir started singing the "Vidi Aquam" (where the priest sprinkles the congregation with holy water; outside of the Easter Season it's normally the "Asperges Me" - the significance of this ancient latin prayer is the prophetic image found in the Old Testament of water flowing out of the side of the temple, cleansing us from our sins - a type of Christ), I began to cry. To this day, I have fond memories of this experience.
In short time, both of my parents began attending this church (taking me and my brother, and our friend Steven), and had their marriage blessed by the priest there. I even seriously considered becoming a priest, and went away for a little to a school in the states to consider this decision.
We were all firm RC traditionalists. With time, I realized we were very much on the "outside" however. The RCC treats it's traditionalists like lepers, and while willing to pray with pagans and even Muslims, even making their salvation sound like a thing already accomplished, will loudly announce how their traditionalists are "schismatic" and that some of their sacraments (like marriage and confession) are "invalid."
The SSPX holds to the official position that it recognizes the validity of John Paul II (unlike the smaller, and more severe RC traditionalist groups which say he is an "anti-Pope", and that the "chair of Peter" is in fact currently vacant - these groups are called "sedevecantists", meaning in Latin, "the chair is empty"), but that they must disobey him because he abuses his authority and is on a path towards apostasy. To an Orthodox Christian (and to myself now, and this is in large part which led me out of the RC traditionalist movement), this is an incomprehensible position; you're either in communion with someone, or you're not.
One thing that my attachment to the RC traditionalists taught me, is to respect the integrity of ideas. That is to say, truth is truth; truth is not the truth because the majority agrees with it, or because "officialdom" consents to it, but because it is objectively true. There is a reality, which imposes itself upon us whether we like it or not. In a subjectivist age, this was a good medicine for my young mind.
But with time I began to see the strain of my position. The truth was, that as it stood, I deep down really didn't think John Paul II and I (or any of my co-religionists) were on the "same page." I also began to question if the problem was really what the traditionalists said it was. Was it simply having rotten Popes in recent times that was the problem, or the very notion that one can infallibly rely on the Papacy in the way that Catholicism had come to teach one could. Indeed, what good was the "charism of infallibility", if a Pope could indeed apostacize (as the traditionalists were all inclined to think)? It seemed in the end, that what infallibility amounted to, for the traditionalists, was "when the Pope is right, he is infallible." Well, duh - I could say that of anyone!
This began a period of wavering and doubt, which I was able to put aside for a while, but in the last year or so came back (and explains my current path.) As I "dug deeper", I realized that just as "truths" were all linked together ("all truth is one" as my brother once said), I was seeing that the errors of Catholicism were all linked together. It was not simply isolated ecclessiological errors that I was unconvering, but a deviated form of piety (though there still remained much in the traditionalist movement which was of itself, perfectly sound, and obviously a remnant of a past "Roman Orthodox" age) and spirituality.
However, the real change was not simply one of discovering error, but came in the form of appreciating in a positive way that which is unique to Orthodox Christianity. I began to seriously read about Orthodox Saints, and saw how their piety and mentality was the same as that of the Church Fathers and the Apostles; however I could not honestly say this of many RC saints, and the various "private revelations" which are common in Catholicism. There was a warmth in the Orthodox Saints that was unique - not to mention the consolation of knowing that while God can be very severe, in the end there is an unquestionable, and complete love to be found; where as in the back of my mind I had always been a bit cynical (now I can admit this) about the Christian claim that "God is love" (since much of western soteriology, whether RC or Protestant actually denies this when you get right down to it), in Orthodox literature I became convinced of it. For someone who never really believed this, this was an incredible consolation - that God loves someone like me (despite all of the evil I've done) and is knocking at the door of my heart, is a humbling and joyful thought that still evokes tears.
I fell in love with the sayings of St.Seraphim of Sarov (who I know is a favourite of many converts; perhaps because he is so accessible, and so incredibly humble and kind in demeanor - truly a Saint for modern man, and in particular those possessed of a false understanding of what Christianity basically is), St.Isaac the Syrian (who taught me about the love of God, and how it is true what St.Paul says, that "He loved us first"), and the lives of modern holy men, like St.John (Maximovitch), Bl.Justin of Serbia, and the well known modern confessor, Fr.Seraphim (Rose.)
Thus, besides seeing in a doctrinal/academic sense where the "truth" was (and where it wasn't), I began to acquire a deep longing for the authentic, lived/experience of true Christianity - Orthodox (correct) Christianity.
Thus for me, Orthodox Christianity has been part of the equation since the beginning of my spiritual journey. In a way it is like the cat that kept coming back the next day. As much as I tried to rationalized, it kept haunting me.
Right now, I'm in the process of conversion. For now it's a difficult situation, since I still live in a city where there is no Orthodox Church of any sort. The situation is all the more difficult, since I have long been convinced (and remain so) of the correctness of the position of the Synod (ROCOR), and the nearest ROCOR parish is even further away. Thus, it's been slow going, and hopefully in the near future I will be able to find work in London (Ontario - where the nearest ROCOR parish is) so I can regularly attend services and be properly received. This is besides the other problems I have right now (engaged to be married, problems with my family over both religion and other matters, and in particular that brother and good friend who are now both seminarians with the Society of St.Pius X). Thus, any prayers on my behalf (or my family's behalf) would be well appreciated.
Seraphim