REALIZATION
Inok Vsevolod (Filipiev)
I would like, Lord, to confess your holy Name, confess it with the incessant Jesus prayer.
But instead of this I am doomed to be endlessly tormented in a dungeon. I am bound with the chains of vice and do not see Your light.
Who imprisoned me in this dungeon and what villain bound me? It was I who imprisoned myself, It was I who bound myself, and it is I who guard my very own self in the dark dungeon of my soul.
It was I who turned my face away from Your light. This happened at that time, when I was, more than anything, sure of my own righteousness; when I justified my own actions - You didn't justify them, but I myself; when I talked of chastity and was assimilated into false chastity by a fallen spirit, for they are ethereal and do not *wander the flesh at all; when I tormented myself with fasting, but forgot, that demons do not eat at all; when I practiced nightly wakefulness, the demons also stayed awake with me...
I did everything, but forgot about the most important - about Your gentle light, about the gentle drifting of Your wind, about the humble appearance of your servant, in who You appeared to people...
Gladsome Light, lead my soul out of the dungeon, free me from the heavy fetters of pride, heal my heart and reason.
Gladsome Light, Love Crucified, teach me the feat of self-renunciation, gentleness, and humility; dress my soul - a repenting sinner - in Your clothes of forgiveness; transform my earthly heart and kindle in it a lamp of the ceaseless, penitent Jesus prayer.
Lord, have mercy on me and forgive my prodigal self for the sake of Your holy Name.
Jordanville, 2002
(Translated from Russian by Andrew Choufrine)
http://www.russian-inok.org/\
