Please pray for me, for my many sins. Presumption and idleness, laziness, idolatry, complacency, everything. But I am especially struggling with lust. It is destroying my soul. And I fear my heart has grown hard from it.
I have fallen into serious sin with lust for a long time, for years and even now, as I am supposedly "preparing" myself for entering the Church when I am truly, by my actions, doing no such thing. Please pray for me. I have become complacent in that I have been able to sleep "peacefully" even after the most serious falls, after reciting Psalm 50 (51), as if that was all that was necessary.
Tonight I cannot sleep. I lay down, wrap myself with covers for the cold and I do not drift into the dream state but a different state. I cannot describe it. I can only say that it frightens me. And in this sleep-state (which I assure you is not like normal dreaming, as I enter it when I barely close my eyes at times) I can feel something around me. And in this state I pray the "Jesus prayer" and imagine a cross covering myself. Please forgive me, I am trying to describe this as best I can. It is like feeling two different forms of energy, one good and one frightening, both intense... Yet on the good side, the side that I am drawn to when I mentally pray the Jesus prayer, there is no comfort. There is no joy. There is no sleep. There is only, now, after waking up, a realization of how much sin I am in.
I am ashamed that it is taking such events to ask for prayers or to get me to pray harder. I am afraid of falling back into complacency, especially if this fear is alleviated. Please pray for me. I am struggling the most with lust. Please pray for me.
Thank you.