Sin and Despair

[stephendaniel]

Please pray for me, for my many sins. Presumption and idleness, laziness, idolatry, complacency, everything. But I am especially struggling with lust. It is destroying my soul. And I fear my heart has grown hard from it.

I have fallen into serious sin with lust for a long time, for years and even now, as I am supposedly "preparing" myself for entering the Church when I am truly, by my actions, doing no such thing. Please pray for me. I have become complacent in that I have been able to sleep "peacefully" even after the most serious falls, after reciting Psalm 50 (51), as if that was all that was necessary.

Tonight I cannot sleep. I lay down, wrap myself with covers for the cold and I do not drift into the dream state but a different state. I cannot describe it. I can only say that it frightens me. And in this sleep-state (which I assure you is not like normal dreaming, as I enter it when I barely close my eyes at times) I can feel something around me. And in this state I pray the "Jesus prayer" and imagine a cross covering myself. Please forgive me, I am trying to describe this as best I can. It is like feeling two different forms of energy, one good and one frightening, both intense... Yet on the good side, the side that I am drawn to when I mentally pray the Jesus prayer, there is no comfort. There is no joy. There is no sleep. There is only, now, after waking up, a realization of how much sin I am in.

I am ashamed that it is taking such events to ask for prayers or to get me to pray harder. I am afraid of falling back into complacency, especially if this fear is alleviated. Please pray for me. I am struggling the most with lust. Please pray for me.

Thank you.

[jgress]

Lord have mercy.

You are not alone, Stephen. I think the most important thing to remember is that chastity is possible. One of the great lies of modern society is that the chaste life is an illusion. I have been blessed to know truly chaste people since joining the True Church and they have been models for me.

Another important thing to remember is that God knows your struggles.

A third thing to remember is that, although sometimes you may be blessed with feelings of calm, you should not rely on them. The pain you are speaking of is also part of the Christian struggle. When you feel joyful, say the Jesus prayer. When you feel sad, say the Jesus prayer. When you feel angry, say the Jesus prayer. When you feel overcome by desire, say the Jesus prayer. When you feel bored or despondent, say the Jesus prayer.

Do you have a priest to speak to? You should not be preparing for baptism without some kind of guidance.

I hope this helps. I will pray for you.

Jonathan

[stephendaniel]

I do have a priest to speak with. We have been talking regularly and he is helping me prepare for baptism. It was the sleep-state that terrified me and compelled me here to ask for prayers. Afterwords, I had a normal sleep.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and your prayers.

[ANGELA]

Hi,

I dont know much but I do know that the best thing to do would be to get up straight away and insence your home and throw the small blessed water, and of course pray the Jesus Prayer like Jonathon said above.

It is a struggle and of course find a good spiritual father and go to confession.

I hope this helps you

With Love in Christ
Angela

[Maria]

I do have a priest to speak with. We have been talking regularly and he is helping me prepare for baptism. It was the sleep-state that terrified me and compelled me here to ask for prayers. Afterwords, I had a normal sleep.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and your prayers.

Know that I am praying for you as well.

Could you ask your priest for some holy water with which to bless your bed before retiring at night?

I found that praying the evening prayers really helps with bad dreams. Since my Holy Baptism, I have been filled with peace and holy joy.

Prayerfully in Christ.
Maria

[Jean-Serge]

Hello Stephen Daniel

I think that somewhere in the Holy Ladder by Saint John of the Ladder, it is written that the Evil invites people to sin and when they have sinned, he tries to make them fall in despair. The church gives many examples of saints who had to fight against sinful passion and were victorious thanks to the grace of God and their efforts too because both are necessary... The most famous example could be Saint Mary of Egypt. It is an example that through repentance, even if we have fallen very deep, we can go out of the pit.

Regarding lust, Saint Nicodeme the Hagiorithe and Saint John of the Ladder give many advice. It can be summarized in "Flee fornication". Indeed, it is necessary to fight against lust beginning with one's thoughts: suggestions of lust will come (due to demons or due to the fact you had already experimented how "good" it was) but it is important not accepting them and rejecting them rather than taking pleasure thinking about them. A solution can be to focus your mind in another thing when these thoughts arrive and of course immediately rejecting it, and of course not feeding such thoughts looking things with an erotical or even pornographical content (I must say regarding this that old movies are really good with a good script and no necessity of showing a couple having intimate relationship).

Fleeing fornication also supposes fleeing places where fornication is practiced or facilitated: I think about some bars or discotheques and also some friendships whose life is not a good example.

I understand you may be a catechumen... I know that some catechumens were given a rule with daily prostrations before their baptism even if the baptism cleans all sins (which is not a excuse for doing anything before the baptism) and I can assure these daily prostrations (these priest followed Saint John the Faster's canons) did them a lot of good! They told me that doing 100 prostrations a day during many days helped them a lot. But this depends on your priest...

Regarding your state that is no dream, no sleep but very particular, you should pray with faith. I understand what you describe. I think we'll all pray for you. Indeed evening prayers, compline or those used by the Russians explicitely ask for protection during night and dream; as any prayers, they should be said with faith and concentration of course (I'm the first one not to be concentrated enough)